I walked around Arlington and Cambridge yesterday without a cane. i'm experimenting to see if I can (at least temporarily) leave them at home. I don't like having to carry one. I almost fell down at a couple points, but I didn't. While not completely inactive, my vertigo issues seem to be at a relatively inactive point. I know that I'll probably need to take a cane with me again in the future — but if I'm not going to be falling every day, I don't need to bring my cane with me every day, eh? I can take the occasional tumble, especially since I'm wearing thick fake fur coats with padding to dampen any falls that do happen.

The USSR launched Sputnik 50 years ago today, starting the space age.

Poll #1065940
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

In the next 50 years, humans will...

I've done salvia divinorum in the past. However, I'd only done 1X. Last night I tried 5X. Oh my, what a difference. The world ripped away in front of my eyes into interference patterns. Then diving down, I forgot everything. Complete dissolving of definition. No knowledge of the day to day world, no sense of self. I had to rebuild my perception of reality. Put everything back together. I had even lost the concept that everything was occurring in a three-dimensional locally-euclidean space, and couldn't figure out what kept me physically separate from anything. Even as I came out of the most intense part, everything kept warping together at the edges of my perception.

The strange putting together of things, defining of things, is the journey from the wholeness at the center. Without a sense of self, everything is one. There is no need for definition or distance. What is at the center is beyond definition. It is the All, the Ineffable. Words are boxes which cannot contain It. Even saying it is "beyond definition" misses the mark, as it is neither beyond or before.

I took the journey twice last night, the first time the speed of the journey panicked me on my return trip from There to Here. The second journey I was able to experience reconstruction from a much calmer place and was able to observe the experience more.

The salvia divinorum experience is not unlike experiences I've had in the past, however the pace at which salvia divinorum triggers these experiences is frighteningly fast: the most intense part is over in the first 5 minutes, and after 10 more it's completely worn off. The short duration along with the physical immobility during the deepest part may be why such a potent herb such as salvia has managed remained legal in most of the entheogenphobic United States (Missouri being the exception).

After the journey, I made a map...


We are waves emanating out from Unity. We perceive other waves as other selves.

At Unity we become all waves, all things. There is no self at Unity.

Between the everyday sphere of perception and Unity lies a domain where the waves are not united and a self still exists in some form, however the waves interfere with each other. This interference can show up in a variety of ways, including sensory phenomena (hallucinations, patterns, distortions, etc.) and/or disorganized thinking.

When viewing an autostereogram, focus of the eyes travels from normal focus to the adjusted focus where the 3D image is visible, the focus travels through an intermediate stage of visual clutter and interference. Traveling to Unity is like refocusing your eyes.

The phone and DSL are back up and the ice is melting a bit. However, we're supposed to get a few more waves of ice later today and early tomorrow. After my voice post this morning, I went outside to take some photos and in the few minutes I was out there I heard a tree collapse in the woods nearby. My brother tells me he could hear several large branches or whole trees falling every this morning near him.

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I ordered my bus tickets online last night, but ended up with the wrong time for my departure from London. The confirmation has me leaving at 3:50AM, but there is no way I can get a ride to London at that hour. I was planning for my departure time to be 8:00PM. Talking to a Greyhound Canada representative on the phone, I was told that I could use the tickets for any departure time as long as they are for the same day and the same person. I should be fine

*knocks on wood*

I've been getting out more, which is good. My cycle of vertigo episodes appears to be waning, but I am still not free of this wave. If I keep improving at this rate perhaps in a week I'll stop carrying a staff or cane with me when I go out.

My primary care nurse has yet to produce the referral to the neurologist I wanted. I have given up on her being of much use and have located on my own a doctor of oral pathology who is an expert on Behçet's Disease as well as a sufferer himself. He should be able to rule in or rule out Behçet's as an explanation for my symptoms. Unfortunately, I'll have to pay for the appointment out of pocket, which will definitely be a strain on the coming month's already tight budget.

I've been drifting away the last several days. The dizzy spells and twitchiness have enveloped me. I cannot move and flicker out. I fight this place, it is hard, but I am not giving up.

Sometimes I end up caught in a nasty cycle in which I have one of my "episodes", can't get up, and fall asleep. My "episodes" are more common and intense right after waking, and in these cycles I'll wake right into another episode, not be able to get up, and fall asleep again. Yesterday, I spent 3 hours on the couch in such a cycle – drifting in and out of consciousness.

I was planning a trip to Maine to see invalid_userid this weekend, but purpleglitter convinced me I should wait until the current wave subsides. However, in preparing for the trip I did find out that the bus route to Maine was quicker, cheaper, and more frequent than I had previously thought. This will make the prospect of making plans to visit less daunting in the future.

Project Schedule has not happened since Monday. I wonder if perhaps the concept is flawed. I've always had large portions of my work day where I could not be productive. I was able to compensate before, why not now? A refined and rigid schedule leaves no room for compensation. However, I am not sure if I should give up Project Schedule until I come up with a better plan to increase my productivity and ready myself for re-entry into employment.

I was quite productive yesterday, well more productive than average for me at least. In addition to my daily chores (animal care and cooking), I reglued the twine on my staff, I did a much needed load of laundry, and did an good hour of cleaning the downstairs of the house_of_clocks with recoiling.

Yeah, it's kind of pathetic what I consider a good and productive day. But, I want to surf this wave and see if it builds. After Skye's vet appointment at 3pm, I want to do some more cleaning at the house_of_clocks and do some crafting. Perhaps I'm on the verge of at least getting my surroundings and activities in order. I've been on this precipice for a long time, so I'm not going to get to carried away with optimism.