If you use X to insult someone, you aren't just insulting that person — you are insulting X. You are saying that X is something worthy of being insulted. It doesn't matter if you think they are a horrible person. If you don't think that X is something horrible about them, then insult the reasons you do think they are horrible.

I've seen far too many homophobic, racist, misogynistic, misandristic, transphobic, sizeist, anti-disabled and anti-semitic slurs "justified" by assertions that person being insulted doesn't personally deserve respect or that they fit some bad stereotype. Use something as an insult and you are saying that it is something worth of admonishment. Your words can say a lot more about what you think than you intend them to.

It's odd, after all this time I still struggle with thoughts of self injury. I haven't cut in a very long time, but i still think about it — a lot. I have to constantly stop myself. I have been successful for years now, but it still takes willpower.

It's very different for my eating problems. It's been a long time since I've been even tempted to purge. It just doesn't interest me anymore. I still struggle with body image issues, but purging isn't even on the table.

Self-injury and bulimia are very different beasts. They are both quick solutions, but the timing of the result is different. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. The effects of self-injury come immediately while the effects of bulimia are long term. Perhaps that is the difference. Perhaps bulimia just lost its twisted appeal to me while self-injury didn't.

In a way, self-injury not losing it's appeal is a blessing. It keeps me from letting my guard down. It reminds me that I can slip backward and by doing so it ensures that I continue to actively push forward.

Poll #1016853 American Beauty vs. Fit Light Dairy
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Who do you find more attractive?

As if being a tween is not hard enough, scientists now call the years between 9 and 12 a time when girls are especially at risk of getting fat. Girls are more likely to become overweight in those preteen years than when they are teenagers, researchers report Monday in The Journal of Pediatrics. The study did not say why that was and did not examine boys to know whether they face a similar risk. ... Parents should pay attention to creeping waistlines and poor dietary habits, particularly in this age group, said Dr. Denise Simons-Mortonof the National Institutes of Health, which funded the research. ... "It should be cool to be physically active, and attractive," [Simons-Mortonof] said. full article

There you have it. Dr. Denise Simons-Mortonof believes it's vitally important that 9-12 year old girls be "attractive". Apparently she thinks that the drive to meet the media's demented beauty standards simply isn't pushed hard enough on these girls. Surely, with a little effort, the rates of anorexia and bulimia can be doubled.

purpleglitter found one of my zyprexa pills in an old bag of hers today. That brings back memories, though not good ones.

I haven't been on that nasty shit for around 5 years. On it, I gained 50 pounds in 2 months, providing me with stretch marks, triggering eating disorders that lasted years, perhaps permanently screwing up my metabolism. All that for the first in a line of zombie pills I was given.

At the peak, I had 7 prescriptions – 5 of them psych drugs. For years I was deluded that some drug cocktails would be the answer. I clung to the belief that they would offer some sort of "cure" or at least would help me get through "it".

Well, at least I learned a very important lesson: the only thing that can get me through "it" is me. Realizing that – truly realizing that – has allowed me to make the progress I have these last couple years. I just wish I didn't have to take all those gorram drugs to learn I didn't need them.

I've had several people complain about my appearance, saying something must be done. I look to ratty, my clothes are often tattered. I should die my hair or at least brush it more often. Wear lipstick. Do something.

However, I like how I look. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've stopped trying to fit into a mold or a subculture. I'm exploring my own ground. And while I may get a little down about my weight now and again, I'm finding peace there too. I don't want to go back to being the bulimic stick I was years ago. I might be "overweight", but I'm pretty healthy (well, except for the falling down/seizure/twitchy/dizzy/whatever the hell they are spells).

I don't mind that people think I look like some "crazy woman". I am a crazy woman. I embrace that. It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. To be comfortable being what I am. I have come to realize of late that beauty is not about who or what you are, it is about not fighting who or what you are. I'm letting myself be me, and I like it.

I am not saying that there isn't room for improvement or bettering. While I have come far, I have a long way to go still. But as I move ahead I want to add more than replace. I no longer don't want to be me, and those who want me different will have to get used to that.

Found through recoiling:

HP Slimming Filters

The models in their examples are already pretty damn skinny and need no "slimming". If you're going to pre-program your cameras with body dismorphia, at least offer a better "filter" than simply reproportioning the image. I have no intention of ever buying any HP product again.

My eating has been out of control lately. I've gained a lot of weight, and the last few weeks I've been gaining about 2lbs a week. This is not health for someone who is at high risk of developing diabetes.

I need to regain control of my eating, and the best mechanism that I've found for that is Project Three Meals. Even when I don't do well at keeping to it, it keeps me conscious about how much I'm eating. I have to be very careful, as I've had problems with eating disorders in the past.

Same plan as before: Three reasonable meals a day plus one healthy snack. No more, no less. At least 30 minutes of exercise a day. That's it. It's that simple.

Project three meals starts Sunday. I'd start it tomorrow, but that is Pride and I want to be flexible on my food intake.

Children represent the fastest growing group of users of a new generation of antipsychotic medications, even though the drugs are not approved for their use and serious safety concerns remain. Between 2001 and 2005, prescriptions for atypical antipsychotic drugs increased by 80% among children and teens, compared with an increase of 46% among adults aged 20 to 44. ... In a study published in the summer of 2004, the researchers reported that prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics doubled among Tennessee children on Medicaid between 1996 and 2001. They further reported that 43% of prescriptions were written for children with ADHD or a related disorder as the primary diagnosis, while just 14% were written for bipolar disorder and 9% for schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions. In a later nationwide study, the researchers concluded that 6 million prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics were written for children between 1995 and 2002. Again the researchers found that a large percentage of the prescriptions were written for children with ADHD as the primary diagnosis. full article

Lets ignore for a moment the devastating side effects of antipsychotics such as diabetes, metabolic disorders, heart problems, tardive dyskinesia, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Let's just focus on the intended effects of these drugs. Antipsychotics slow down the brain. They make it harder to think and by doing so make it harder to learn. These children are having their brain fogged at the most important time of their lives for them to be thinking. I can't imagine the damage to the intellectual and emotional development of these kids caused by being on extremely powerful mind altering drugs 24 hours a day. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

The psychiatrists aren't even attempting to claim these children are psychotic. 43% of the children receiving antipsychotics are diagnosed with ADHD. Antipsychotics have nothing whatsoever to do with the "symptoms" of ADHD. The only reason to give antipsychotics to ADHD-diagnosed children is to sedate them. To keep them drugged so the teachers and parents don't have to deal with them. It is a form of neglect.

These children are going to reach adulthood. Due to the drugs they are being forced to take, many are not going to be able to develop the mental and emotional tools necessary to live and function as adults. Not having learned the skills necessary to hold down jobs, many will become dependant on the very system that abused and drugged them. The psych industry is creating a generation of lifetime customers.

A USC review of published research has found no evidence that early episodes of schizophrenia without medication result in long-term harm for patients, casting doubt on the practice to immediately medicate for a year. “The question is whether we should rush to treat early episodes with anti-psychotics, often before a clear diagnosis has become evident,” wrote John Bola in his study slated for publication in the April edition of Schizophrenia Bulletin. Bola said the findings are important because the drugs used to treat schizophrenia can have serious side effects in nearly half of patients, from severe weight gain and restlessness to involuntary movement and adult-onset diabetes ... “There is a lack of good-quality evidence to support a conclusion that long-term harm results from short-term postponement of medication in early episode schizophrenia,” Bola said. “A categorical prohibition against such research should be reconsidered.” full article

Antipsychotics, which are regularly prescribed to a wide range of patients they were never intended for, are often not even appropriate for the patients that they were intended for. A sizable percentage schizophrenics do not even need antipsychotics, and risk a multitude of dangerous side effect by taking them.

It should also be noted that the cult of psychiatry goes so far as to prohibit research that might further show that people can successfully live without psych drugs. Psychopharmacology is about as scientific as Intelligent Design.

My eating has gotten completely out of control. I've gained a great deal of weight lately, though I don't know how much because I don't own a scale. I'm guessing I'm currently around 230lbs.

I think it's time to have another go at Project Three Meals. Same as before, 3 reasonable meals and a health snack plus 30 minutes of exercise. No junk food.

Project Three Meals isn't about a 100% success rate, as being extra-conscious about what I eat has it's own results whether or not I have a successful Project Three Meals Day. I will still strive to make each day successful, but I won't beat myself up over days that aren't.

Project Three Meals begins tomorrow.

The gorilla glue seems to be doing a good job keeping my staff held together. I can even put my weight on it. For a long time I've had a sense that those things around me that I most considered truly mine have been broken and put back together, sometime precariously. I've always felt a connection with such things, because I have put myself back together from the shattered remnants of long ago. I remember when I was around 13 (give or take a year), I had a Commodore 64 and the floppy drive didn't work. I repaired it using rubberbands, and it worked well for many years until I got a 386. I've always felt that I'm running on rubberbands and duct tape. Now my staff is this way too. Perhaps this will serve not only to be more mindful of its care, but also to increase my connection to it and my commitment to understanding the meaning behind it.

I've decided that I will start Project Three Meals again on the New Year. This means three reasonable meals a day and a healthy snack, no more, no less, no junk food. Add to that 30 minutes of exercise a day and that is the plan. Project three meals isn't about succeeding every day, it's about being conscious of my eating habits. Screw ups are allowed, although I will strive to succeed. I've always lost weight through previous attempts, but don't know the exact effectiveness because I do not currently own a scale and only get weighed during medical visits. I, however, view my ideal weight at 180lbs and estimate that I am currently somewhere between 205lbs and 210lbs. It is a good idea for me to lose some weight because I already have 2 significant risk factors for diabetes and weight is a third that I can control. However, I don't want to go under 180lbs, as I want to stay a little cushiony to keep purpleglitter happy.

Even though I am beginning Attempt 8 of Project Three Meals on January 1^st, I am not counting it as my New Years resolution. I have not yet decided upon what my resolution will actually be, and will announce it as soon as I do.

I went to see my new primary care nurse practitioner today. The appointment went really well.

First, her assistant took my weight and vitals. My blood pressure was on the low side of normal, as was my temperature. Both still within the normal range and both typical for my vitals. My weight was what surprised me. I had gotten up to 230lbs. But that was over six months ago. I haven't been weighed since then. I weighed in at under 200lbs. 199lbs to be exact. Quite a difference. I guess I've been doing a good job with my eating and exercising. I seem to have quit Project Three Meals over the last few days. I think I'm going to start Attempt 7. 180lbs is my ideal weight. It seems achievable in the near future.

After the weighing, I waited about 15 minutes until the nurse practitioner walked in. She went over all the medical history forms I filled out, and actually paid attention to what I had to say. She was very helpful and non-condescending. I felt extremely comfortable with her.

We discussed my issues with dizziness and the pains and the bumps. She does not think the dizziness and the pains are related. She felt my behind-elbow, and said she could feel what appears to be a lipoma, a benign fatty tumor. She said they can be caused by repeated swellings, which may be associated with what is causing the pains the my behind-elbow and behind-knee. She suggested that it is some sort of tendon or ligament problem and that I should try using ice.

About the dizzy spells, she could not identify the problem but is setting me up with appointments with both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist. An ophthalmologist surprised me, but she says there is a chance that the issue is somehow related to my eyes. Hopefully soon the issue will be finally sorted out.

Due to another unrelated issue I discussed with her, I need to also start taking a fiber supplement.

I'm much happier with her than I have been with the doctors I've seen. I feel like things are finally moving forward. I'm still a bit nervous, but am now a bit optimistic as will.

I forgot to mention last night that Project Three Meals also includes 30 minutes of exercise. It's just a simply healthy plan with a simple yet somewhat fun name.

So, how did today go?

For breakfast, I had rotini and sauce. For lunch I had rotini with tomatoe sauce. For dinner, I had... well I didn't eat dinner. For my healthy snack I had a cliff bar. In addition to that I had one of merryperseis's mom's chocolate chip cookies. Shouldn't have had the cookie, but should have had dinner.

I did get in 30 minutes of exercise. In fact I got well over three hours in my walk to Lexington Center from purpleglitter's house. I didn't really have any particular reason for the walk. I didn't even do it for the exercise. I just needed to keep moving. I kept singing that to myself along the way, "Gotta keep move'n".

purpleglitter picked me up in Lexington Center and drove me back home.

I'd stay up and make the dinner I didn't eat today, but I'm not doing to well tonight. I'm quite twitchy and dizzy and I've already ended up on the kitchen floor twice this evening, and I don't trust myself handling a hot pot or pan. So I'm off to bed and I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to go try Project Three Meals again. It will be attempt 6. It's a very simple plan actually, I'm going to eat three reasonable meals a day plus a healthy snack. No more, no less. Bye bye junk food. I'll save money, lose weight, and be healthier all at the same time.

I thought pro-ana communities like 0_thinspiration were bad enough. But at least those communities only advocate members harming themselves. Apparently now LiveJournal abuse sees no problems with pro-rape communities. I am pissed off beyond, well beyond. I can't believe that that community is allowed on LiveJournal. The LiveJournal abuse team (and maybe SixApart itself) must bear a portion of the responsibility for any violence that is perpetrated as a result of, under the advise of, or encouraged by that community.

Where is Hothead when you need her?

LJ Abuse actually did something about something I brought up. They deleted the hundred or so communities that the troll had created. I think there needs to be a way to avoid this sort of problem getting out of hand. I have a couple ideas I'm tempted to post in suggestions; however, I'm afraid doing so will just encourage others and cause the problem to spread. If it just dies out quietly, it may never become a real issue.

-----

The report I filed a month ago about 0_thinspiration went nowhere. All I got back form replies that didn't address the issues I brought up at all. I eventually just gave up trying.