As if being a tween is not hard enough, scientists now call the years between 9 and 12 a time when girls are especially at risk of getting fat. Girls are more likely to become overweight in those preteen years than when they are teenagers, researchers report Monday in The Journal of Pediatrics. The study did not say why that was and did not examine boys to know whether they face a similar risk. ... Parents should pay attention to creeping waistlines and poor dietary habits, particularly in this age group, said Dr. Denise Simons-Mortonof the National Institutes of Health, which funded the research. ... "It should be cool to be physically active, and attractive," [Simons-Mortonof] said. full article

There you have it. Dr. Denise Simons-Mortonof believes it's vitally important that 9-12 year old girls be "attractive". Apparently she thinks that the drive to meet the media's demented beauty standards simply isn't pushed hard enough on these girls. Surely, with a little effort, the rates of anorexia and bulimia can be doubled.

purpleglitter found one of my zyprexa pills in an old bag of hers today. That brings back memories, though not good ones.

I haven't been on that nasty shit for around 5 years. On it, I gained 50 pounds in 2 months, providing me with stretch marks, triggering eating disorders that lasted years, perhaps permanently screwing up my metabolism. All that for the first in a line of zombie pills I was given.

At the peak, I had 7 prescriptions – 5 of them psych drugs. For years I was deluded that some drug cocktails would be the answer. I clung to the belief that they would offer some sort of "cure" or at least would help me get through "it".

Well, at least I learned a very important lesson: the only thing that can get me through "it" is me. Realizing that – truly realizing that – has allowed me to make the progress I have these last couple years. I just wish I didn't have to take all those gorram drugs to learn I didn't need them.

My eating has been out of control lately. I've gained a lot of weight, and the last few weeks I've been gaining about 2lbs a week. This is not health for someone who is at high risk of developing diabetes.

I need to regain control of my eating, and the best mechanism that I've found for that is Project Three Meals. Even when I don't do well at keeping to it, it keeps me conscious about how much I'm eating. I have to be very careful, as I've had problems with eating disorders in the past.

Same plan as before: Three reasonable meals a day plus one healthy snack. No more, no less. At least 30 minutes of exercise a day. That's it. It's that simple.

Project three meals starts Sunday. I'd start it tomorrow, but that is Pride and I want to be flexible on my food intake.

Children represent the fastest growing group of users of a new generation of antipsychotic medications, even though the drugs are not approved for their use and serious safety concerns remain. Between 2001 and 2005, prescriptions for atypical antipsychotic drugs increased by 80% among children and teens, compared with an increase of 46% among adults aged 20 to 44. ... In a study published in the summer of 2004, the researchers reported that prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics doubled among Tennessee children on Medicaid between 1996 and 2001. They further reported that 43% of prescriptions were written for children with ADHD or a related disorder as the primary diagnosis, while just 14% were written for bipolar disorder and 9% for schizophrenia or other psychotic conditions. In a later nationwide study, the researchers concluded that 6 million prescriptions for atypical antipsychotics were written for children between 1995 and 2002. Again the researchers found that a large percentage of the prescriptions were written for children with ADHD as the primary diagnosis. full article

Lets ignore for a moment the devastating side effects of antipsychotics such as diabetes, metabolic disorders, heart problems, tardive dyskinesia, and neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Let's just focus on the intended effects of these drugs. Antipsychotics slow down the brain. They make it harder to think and by doing so make it harder to learn. These children are having their brain fogged at the most important time of their lives for them to be thinking. I can't imagine the damage to the intellectual and emotional development of these kids caused by being on extremely powerful mind altering drugs 24 hours a day. THESE ARE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

The psychiatrists aren't even attempting to claim these children are psychotic. 43% of the children receiving antipsychotics are diagnosed with ADHD. Antipsychotics have nothing whatsoever to do with the "symptoms" of ADHD. The only reason to give antipsychotics to ADHD-diagnosed children is to sedate them. To keep them drugged so the teachers and parents don't have to deal with them. It is a form of neglect.

These children are going to reach adulthood. Due to the drugs they are being forced to take, many are not going to be able to develop the mental and emotional tools necessary to live and function as adults. Not having learned the skills necessary to hold down jobs, many will become dependant on the very system that abused and drugged them. The psych industry is creating a generation of lifetime customers.

i eat too much
mostly too much junk food
i'm still gaining weight
i eat because it makes me feel better
i'm addicted to junk food
i've got to stop
but it's so hard with walgreens next door
i just ate an entire tube of pringles
i haven't been purging however
just bingeing
i guess that's progress
now to cut out the bingeing without going anorexic
which is a definite risk with me
i need to set times that i can eat
and only eat at those times
regular meals may be the answer
i will eat when i wake up in the morning
at noon
and once in the evening
three meals
sounds pretty normal
sounds pretty doable
i have already eaten my first two meals today
so all i have left is dinner
i will allow myself a healthy snack too
but it must be healthy
no junk food
i think i can do this
i think i have the willpower
i know i've failed at these sorts of plans before
but all i can do is keep trying
and have faith that i'll eventually succeed
so here goes nothing...

I no longer have a scale, however they weighed me several times while I was on Cahill 3. I found out when I got in that I weighed quite a bit less then I thought I did. Body dismorphia. I thought I weight 220-230lbs, but I actually weighted 204. However, by the time I left I had gained 6 pounds. This is mostly due to the fact that there is little to do but sit, sleep, and eat. I paced the halls a bit, but not near as much as I sat, slept, and ate. I still have an ideal weight for myself of 160. I want to go back on the healthy eating plan that I had before I went in. No junk food, and sensible meals. I'm not going to starve myself this time around. I'm going to eat reasonable meals. I want to take this slow. For now I'm going to concentrate just on cutting out junk food. I want to be very careful not to slip back into anorexia or bulimia. I'm almost afraid to seriously diet, fearing that I might get carried away. I should really just learn to be happy with how I look. I've gotten several complements to the effect that I look much better now than when I was a stick. I know I do, because I was way to skinny. 130lbs for my height and build is dangerously thin. So I'm conflicted. The one thing I can get myself to agree on is cutting out junk food, so I'm going to make a serious effort to do just that.

Morning at the partial program went well. Not as good as yesterday, but it still went well. No exciting groups, however I was told that they were successful in moving up my therapy intake date up. It's now on the 16^th of December.

Things started going badly after I got lunch at the S&S deli with someone from the program. After lunch, I tried to purge, but for some reason wasn't able to get all of it out. I hate it when that happens. I had to digest a lot of food that I really didn't want to. I felt like cutting myself. I couldn't cut at the program. I wanted just ending it all. Couldn't do that at the program either. Silly, all that over calories. But, I felt like such a failure.

I have a strong urge to embrace my eating disorders full force. I've been gaining weight recently, and I want to reverse that trend. I lose weight until I simply disapear. I want to fade away. I want there to be nothing left of me. I don't want to exist anymore.

-----

After the partial program, I saw my pdoc. I told her about how I was doing. She thinks that the reason I have been getting worse is that I went so long without therapy. I think that might have contributed, but I believe the real reason is that the monsters are getting closer.

At the end of the appointment, my pdoc upped my Geodon to 60mg and gave me a prescription to trazodone. Trazodone is wonderful stuff and was one of the few good things about Holy Family. I'm not sure what, if anything, the 50% increase in Geodon will do. 40mg of Geodon have had absolutely no effect.

----

I didn't realize until today just how badly I've been doing lately. I can't make it through the day without having at least one major episode of instability, panic, switchiness, and suicidality. Regardless of how well things may be going on the outside, inside I'm falling apart. Everything has been getting consistently worse over the past few years. And the decent has only increased in velocity over the past few months. The mosters are very close now. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm very scared of what's going to happen when the monsters come out completely into the open. Cyndi's right, if I can't handle things now, there's no way I can handle what's coming.

I've been purging a lot less over the past week or so. Even as my other problems seem to be getting worse, bulimia seems to be on the wane. Two weeks ago, I was purging 3 to 5 times a day. Now, I am purging only once a day, and some days I haven't purged at all. I'm still fiercely watching the scale, and I know I'll probably become much more neurotic about purging if my weight goes over 145lbs. But, for now, I seem to be able to keep most meals down, which should help both my physical and mental health.

read my last entry, came over and took away the "new toy" (an exacto knife). She also took away the Nyquil and sleeping pills I bought yesterday.

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purpleglitter is going to dye my hair in a few minutes. Red. Since my hair was dyed black about a month ago, the roots are starting to come in. The red won't dye over the black, but it will dye the roots. It's a look I've done before, and one I really like.

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purpleglitter says my breasts are shrinking because I'm not eating enough. I don't like that. Not one little bit. But letting myself gain weight is so hard. I don't know what to do. I waited so long and fought so hard to get the hormones, I don't want to lose to my eating disorder what they've given me. I don't know how to fight the eating disorder. I need professional help with it, but nobody who can help me is willing to.

Over the past few days, I've been eating more and more, and purging less and less. I can feel that the weight is coming back. I know that if the scale starts showing higher numbers, it'll trigger me into reversing the current trend. I know my weight has to have already started to inch it's way up. I'm below what would be a healthy weight for me, but for some reason I won't allow myself to become a healthy weight again. I don't know why. I think it has something to do with self harm. I just can't work my way through those loops right now, I've got other things to deal with.

I've been doing much much better with eating these past three weeks.

I only purged once or twice last week, and haven't at all this week. I've been eating healthily. I've actually gotten to the point where I'm not counting calories. However, I am still watching the scale.

I'm currently 5lbs below where I was when I started the infernal Zyprexa that made me gain 45lbs in 2 months and gave me stretch marks. I don't think I would have developed eating problems if I had gained the weight slowly over time. I believe it was the shock of the sudden change in the body that sent me reeling.

I still have a bit of a guilt after eating. But now, I remind myself that I'm back where I was. There's no reason for the guilt. I'm actually below my pre-Zyprexa weight. And, I'm able to deal with it. I've got my metabolism back. I feel can eat normally again.

The waist of this skirt is far to small. It's really digging in. Oh well, a little pain never hurt anyone.

Victor told me he's planning on moving in within the next week. I was beginning to worry if he was going to move in at all. I wasn't looking forward to finding an alternative roommate.

I overate today. I was so tempted to purge, but I stopped myself. I haven't purged in almost 3 weeks, I don't want to fuck it up. I have decided that I really need to give not-purging a chance at working, however, if my weight goes back above 175, I don't think I'll be able to convince myself not to delve back into bulimia.

If I can make it until Sunday without purging, I can stop taking my Risperdal and Lorazepam as long as I remain purge-free. I'm not really playing games with my meds as I haven't really stopped taking them yet as I took them today. I feel like my meds make me gain weight easier, so stopping taking them is an useful motivator to stop purging.

I went off my diet again and started taking my meds. Result - 5 pounds in 2 days! That is unacceptable. I'm back on the diet as of right now, maybe even a little stricter. I'm going to keep the meds until I see my new pdoc Wednesday. After I've talked with her, I'll decide wether or not I want to keep taking all the meds.

I just took my Risperdal and Lorazepam. I stopped taking them because I was worried about weight gain, but right now I think I'll risk it. I was much stabler and less switchy when on the Risperdal before. Not perfect by any means, but better than we are now. I'll keep taking all my meds until I get a chance to talk to my new pdoc.

I plan on stopping my meds again eventually. I just don't think this was the best time to stop taking my meds, with all that's happening, macro and micro.

I'm still gaining weight. I'm dieting. I'm bingeing and purging when Lake's not awake (she usually stops me from purging if she's awake). I know the bingeing part isn't going to help, but you'd think the purging part would. I've been exercising. I do eat some. A reasonable amount. Around 1800-2000 calories a day digested. But, I'm still gaining weight. I'm going to decrease my calories again. I'm also going to stop taking my Risperdal. I noticed that my weight started going up when I started taking it. I think it slows down my metabolism. I'm going to stop my Lorazepam as well, for good measure.

Okay, my weight is going seriously the wrong way. Starting a diet tomorrow, and going to stick to it. And no more of this bingeing and then stopping myself from purging bullshit. From now on if we binge, we purge: period.

I bought chips. I ate them, and then Lake woke up and caught me, so we weren't able to purge. Shirley is the neurotic one among us (at least the most so). She's very particular about our weight. Many of us, myself included, don't see it as such a big deal. But we need to work together to all be happy, so I think weight is something we all should watch. Bingeing and purging is sort of a nice compromise sometimes. Those of us not worried about our weight get to eat, while those who worry don't gain weight. It throws the whole thing off balance when Lake catches us and we don't get to purge. I know the whole thing is ridiculous and bad for the body, but sometimes it seems to make some sense.

We are planning on trying to fast tomorrow in order to make up for not purging the chips. I know that's ridiculous, but that's the current plan. Willpower is always a large factor in such plans, and we tend to possess too little to actually carry them out.