As if being a tween is not hard enough, scientists now call the years between 9 and 12 a time when girls are especially at risk of getting fat. Girls are more likely to become overweight in those preteen years than when they are teenagers, researchers report Monday in The Journal of Pediatrics. The study did not say why that was and did not examine boys to know whether they face a similar risk. ... Parents should pay attention to creeping waistlines and poor dietary habits, particularly in this age group, said Dr. Denise Simons-Mortonof the National Institutes of Health, which funded the research. ... "It should be cool to be physically active, and attractive," [Simons-Mortonof] said. full article

There you have it. Dr. Denise Simons-Mortonof believes it's vitally important that 9-12 year old girls be "attractive". Apparently she thinks that the drive to meet the media's demented beauty standards simply isn't pushed hard enough on these girls. Surely, with a little effort, the rates of anorexia and bulimia can be doubled.

Found through recoiling:

HP Slimming Filters

The models in their examples are already pretty damn skinny and need no "slimming". If you're going to pre-program your cameras with body dismorphia, at least offer a better "filter" than simply reproportioning the image. I have no intention of ever buying any HP product again.

My eating has been out of control lately. I've gained a lot of weight, and the last few weeks I've been gaining about 2lbs a week. This is not health for someone who is at high risk of developing diabetes.

I need to regain control of my eating, and the best mechanism that I've found for that is Project Three Meals. Even when I don't do well at keeping to it, it keeps me conscious about how much I'm eating. I have to be very careful, as I've had problems with eating disorders in the past.

Same plan as before: Three reasonable meals a day plus one healthy snack. No more, no less. At least 30 minutes of exercise a day. That's it. It's that simple.

Project three meals starts Sunday. I'd start it tomorrow, but that is Pride and I want to be flexible on my food intake.

My eating has gotten completely out of control. I've gained a great deal of weight lately, though I don't know how much because I don't own a scale. I'm guessing I'm currently around 230lbs.

I think it's time to have another go at Project Three Meals. Same as before, 3 reasonable meals and a health snack plus 30 minutes of exercise. No junk food.

Project Three Meals isn't about a 100% success rate, as being extra-conscious about what I eat has it's own results whether or not I have a successful Project Three Meals Day. I will still strive to make each day successful, but I won't beat myself up over days that aren't.

Project Three Meals begins tomorrow.

I've decided that I will start Project Three Meals again on the New Year. This means three reasonable meals a day and a healthy snack, no more, no less, no junk food. Add to that 30 minutes of exercise a day and that is the plan. Project three meals isn't about succeeding every day, it's about being conscious of my eating habits. Screw ups are allowed, although I will strive to succeed. I've always lost weight through previous attempts, but don't know the exact effectiveness because I do not currently own a scale and only get weighed during medical visits. I, however, view my ideal weight at 180lbs and estimate that I am currently somewhere between 205lbs and 210lbs. It is a good idea for me to lose some weight because I already have 2 significant risk factors for diabetes and weight is a third that I can control. However, I don't want to go under 180lbs, as I want to stay a little cushiony to keep purpleglitter happy.

Even though I am beginning Attempt 8 of Project Three Meals on January 1^st, I am not counting it as my New Years resolution. I have not yet decided upon what my resolution will actually be, and will announce it as soon as I do.

I went to see my new primary care nurse practitioner today. The appointment went really well.

First, her assistant took my weight and vitals. My blood pressure was on the low side of normal, as was my temperature. Both still within the normal range and both typical for my vitals. My weight was what surprised me. I had gotten up to 230lbs. But that was over six months ago. I haven't been weighed since then. I weighed in at under 200lbs. 199lbs to be exact. Quite a difference. I guess I've been doing a good job with my eating and exercising. I seem to have quit Project Three Meals over the last few days. I think I'm going to start Attempt 7. 180lbs is my ideal weight. It seems achievable in the near future.

After the weighing, I waited about 15 minutes until the nurse practitioner walked in. She went over all the medical history forms I filled out, and actually paid attention to what I had to say. She was very helpful and non-condescending. I felt extremely comfortable with her.

We discussed my issues with dizziness and the pains and the bumps. She does not think the dizziness and the pains are related. She felt my behind-elbow, and said she could feel what appears to be a lipoma, a benign fatty tumor. She said they can be caused by repeated swellings, which may be associated with what is causing the pains the my behind-elbow and behind-knee. She suggested that it is some sort of tendon or ligament problem and that I should try using ice.

About the dizzy spells, she could not identify the problem but is setting me up with appointments with both an ophthalmologist and a neurologist. An ophthalmologist surprised me, but she says there is a chance that the issue is somehow related to my eyes. Hopefully soon the issue will be finally sorted out.

Due to another unrelated issue I discussed with her, I need to also start taking a fiber supplement.

I'm much happier with her than I have been with the doctors I've seen. I feel like things are finally moving forward. I'm still a bit nervous, but am now a bit optimistic as will.

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to go try Project Three Meals again. It will be attempt 6. It's a very simple plan actually, I'm going to eat three reasonable meals a day plus a healthy snack. No more, no less. Bye bye junk food. I'll save money, lose weight, and be healthier all at the same time.

I thought pro-ana communities like 0_thinspiration were bad enough. But at least those communities only advocate members harming themselves. Apparently now LiveJournal abuse sees no problems with pro-rape communities. I am pissed off beyond, well beyond. I can't believe that that community is allowed on LiveJournal. The LiveJournal abuse team (and maybe SixApart itself) must bear a portion of the responsibility for any violence that is perpetrated as a result of, under the advise of, or encouraged by that community.

Where is Hothead when you need her?

LJ Abuse actually did something about something I brought up. They deleted the hundred or so communities that the troll had created. I think there needs to be a way to avoid this sort of problem getting out of hand. I have a couple ideas I'm tempted to post in suggestions; however, I'm afraid doing so will just encourage others and cause the problem to spread. If it just dies out quietly, it may never become a real issue.

-----

The report I filed a month ago about 0_thinspiration went nowhere. All I got back form replies that didn't address the issues I brought up at all. I eventually just gave up trying.

I purged early this morning. I ate a bag of cheetos and felt incredibly ill. The combination of nauseousness from the cheetos and the guilt over having essentially binged led me downstairs to vomit. I haven't done that in quite a while, and I know I cannot allow myself to get back into that nasty cycle. I had incredibly bad problems with my upper digestive system because of bulimia and I still haven't completely healed. I don't want to do more damage. I've got to nip this in the bud. It's much easier to avoid that road before it becomes a habit. It is so fucking addictive.

I've been trying not to go back towards somesort of eating disorder lately. The fact that I weight more than I ever have in my life currently is one factor.

Another, possibly larger, factor is that I feel that my life is going nowhere. I feel helpless to make any meaningful changes. I know that might not be true, but that is how I feel. That feeling makes me want to control something. Purging is a bad method of taking control of something, but does feel a bit like it.

In addition to those reasons, I also get into a "fuck you" mode, unfocused on a ambiguous system. Self-harm feels like a way to express that rage, even though it really doesn't do that effectively.

But, those "factors" are simply excuses., and not very good ones at that. The bottom line is I screwed up. I fell off the horse, and now I must get right back on.

This weekend was rough for me. It really showed me how unstable I am. My mind locked down for well over 24 hours over something very small. The problem is small things can cascade very easily and end up having much larger significance in my mind. I didn't eat for over a day and couldn't get out of my bed much of that time. I was completely non-functional. I had a very very strong desire to kill myself, or at the very least hurt myself in some way.

The not eating was a method of hurting myself. I had decided to lose all the weight I've gained over the past couple years and do it by starting a "megadiet" which I would kick off with a fast. It was scary, because even after only a day, I had to force myself to eat again. Food had already become repugnant. I did get back into the habit after pushing through a bowl of lentil soup though.

While it would be good for me to lose some weight (my endocrinologist is worried about my diabetes risk), going back into the land of eating disorder is not the solution. I'm not going on a megadiet, but I do need to come up with some sort of diet/exercise program to take off the pounds. I currently weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. For some reason, while I find people who weigh more very attractive, I cannot translate that into self acceptance. And it is that much harder to accept myself when I have doctors breathing down my neck about it.

But the draw to eating disordered thinking was only one part of the weekend. I cannot go into the details of what was going on in my brain and what it felt like without sounding melodramatic to some people. The mentally ill are often accused of being melodramatic when they are just expressing what is going on inside. It is of an intensity I don't think "sane" people experience; or at least if they experience it, the experience is very rare for them. They assume that expressions of emotions of such intensity and feelings such as your mind being ripped apart painfully as you watch the world crumble into darkness, hate, and suffering are melodramatic. Everyone's experience of insanity is different, but the "sane" do not understand the wide intensity of feelings that can be felt.

I don't know why my mind is the way it is. I would like to avoid having my brain locked down. I would like to not have to worry about talking about it for fear of being accused of being "melodramatic" when I express myself. I would like to not have to worry about talking about suicidal feelings for fear of being accused of being "manipulative" or "selfish". I would like to not see the mentally ill not always portrayed as either scary and dangerous (all over the place, especially law enforcement dramas) or a burden (shows like "six feet under"). I'm just frustrated, tired, and a lot of times I just want to give up. I'm tired of everything being a constant battle. A constant fight. I've been fighting all my life. I don't want to fight anymore.

The Abuse team obviously didn't read my report, instead just noted that it was about a pro-ana community and sent me the following form letter as a reply:

Thank you for your report. In order for us to properly investigate this situation, we will need for you to provide specific links to the entry or entries which you believe to be in violation of the LiveJournal Terms of Service. The Abuse Team is unable to search any journal for violations. LiveJournal's status as a "common carrier" united United States telecommunication law prohibits controlling or policing content posted via its service. In general, we do not typically intervene in cases such as this. While we understand and appreciate your concerns about such communities, please let us state our position. Our experience thus far has been that communities such as these, dedicated to discussing destructive behavior, actually do far more good than harm. They allow open and meaningful communication among people suffering from various eating disorders, and allow users to provide support for each other in their recovery. We realize that these disorders can be harmful to the health of those suffering from them, but we must also recognize that the activities being discussed are not illegal. We fully recognize that anorexia is harmful and that these communities are dedicated to maintaining a lifestyle that has the potential to cause harm. Speaking strictly from a safety and protective stance, we would of course prefer it if none of our users participated in any way in potentially harmful and dangerous activities, and if those communities had no reason to exist. However, we still believe that, apart from being protected as free speech, it is the lesser harm to permit them all. Suspending pro-anorexia communities will not make anyone suffering from the disorder become healthy again. Allowing them to exist, however, has several benefits. It reassures those who join them that they are not alone in the way they feel about their bodies. It increases the chance that the friends and loved ones of the individuals in the community will discover their disorders and assist them in seeking professional help. It makes it more likely that we will be contacted if a post by a community member is of the kind where we would contact an Internet Service Provider and the local authorities to stop a suicide attempt, as we have done in the past. It provides a supportive environment that will, hopefully, lead others on the road to recovery. Ultimately, these communities are, much like other communities within LiveJournal, protected by the ideal of freedom of expression, something we here at LiveJournal are particularly loathe to interfere with, as long as that free speech does not violate our Terms of Service or the law. We truly feel that offering an open forum for meaningful discussion is far more productive and helpful than shutting the communities down and attempting to silence their members. If you feel that any entries in this community have crossed the line to the point where they are actively encouraging others to harm themselves, please let us know by opening a new request following the instructions given in http://www.livejournal.com/support/faqbrowse.bml?faqid=105. We will evaluate the links you provide, and determine if the posts do in fact cross the line of what we permit on our service. However, we will not suspend the community as a whole simply because it is devoted to talking about an eating disorder. We understand that a great many people find such communities extremely disturbing; we frequently receive requests to shut them down. What we would recommend, with the greatest respect, is that those users simply avoid all contact with communities of this nature. We thank you for your concern and appreciate your taking the time to write to us about this very sensitive matter. Regards, Noah LiveJournal Abuse Team

Seeing the disconnect of the response from my report, I submitted the following in responce:

If you feel that any entries in this community have crossed the line to the point where they are actively encouraging others to harm themselves, please let us know by opening a new request following the instructions given in http://www.livejournal.com/support/faqbrowse.bml?faqid=105. We will evaluate the links you provide, and determine if the posts do in fact cross the line of what we permit on our service. However, we will not suspend the community as a whole simply because it is devoted to talking about an eating disorder. In my original report, I stated that in the profile of the community is stated they are holding a contest (with prizes) to see who can drop the most pounds the quickest. That is actively encouraging self destructive behaviour. The participants in the contest are already often severely underweight, and the competition could very well encourage some of them to lose more, with possibly fatal results.

I hope they actually read it this time.

I just filed my first abuse report:

Deadly Contests 0_thinspiration holds contests in which the anorexic participants try to lose the most weight possible in a short amount of time. This is a potentially deadly contest, and I would hate to see lj share in that liability. The information about the contest is listed on their profile. from the profile of 0_thinspiration: Competition [06.20.05 - 07.20.05] This is a little weight loss competition that is just meant to keep people on their goals. It runs for a month and members compete to lose the most doing whatever they want (fasting, binge & purge, excersize, pills). We put their starting weight & height in a special entry, and we announce the winner at the end.

Some of you will note that this is different than my old attitude towards pro-ana communities. While I never much cared for the communities, I thought they should be left up for two reasons: 1) free speech issues 2) attacking the communities was in effect attacking the victims of anorexia and not the root causes (the marketing, entertainment, news, fashion, and beauty industries).

The first point has always been shakey in my view, as LiveJournal is a privately run forum, and therefore has every right to monitor the content on it's servers. LiveJournal has always censored content. There would need to be no new precedent set about the pro-ana communities.

As far as the second point goes, my views on the root causes has not changed. I still firmly believe something must be done about the problem. However, pro-ana communities (especially ones that hold contests or rate users) promote, spread, and worsen eating disorders. I don't believe people should go into these communities and tell the people in them off. Harassment will help no one, further victimizes victims of corporate culture, and causes members to become insular and separated from those who could help them. Shutting them down, especially when they cross some very fine lines, is more appropriate.

I'm going to try Project Three Meals again tomorrow. My eating has gotten again out of hand, and I'm not exercising at all. I'm sure I've gained another 10lbs. I don't know because someone threw out my scale. I should get a new one, but I can't afford it right now. Tomorrow I stop my junk food, start eating reasonable and start exercising again. Maybe fifth times the charm. I won't give up trying. I need to be healthy.

i had spaghetti in tomatoe sauce with mushrooms and parmesan cheese for breakfast
macaroni and cheese for lunch
cheese enchiladas for dinner
no healthy snack
no exercise
and i ate most of a large popcorn while watching finding neverland
i'm not doing very well at project three meals
i can't give up
my endocrinologist warned me about diabetes
i've really gotta watch it
i feel like such a failure
i can't seem to do it
i really want to, but i have no willpower
i hate myself
i can't take care of myself
fuck me

My endocrinologist told me I needed to lose weight, but she didn't tell me how much I needed to lose. I weighed in at 219lbs at her office. I know I'm overweight, and with my risk factors for diabetes that's not good. But I'm worried I'll take weight loss to far. I've done it before. I've had problems with both anorexia and bulimia. I don't want to go back to that. I'm going to be careful and listen to those around me. If people start telling me to stop losing weight, I will. I hope that is enough to keep me in bounds.

I missed my appointment with my primary care doc this morning. But I made my other two. The first one I made it to was my endocrinologist. We discussed the regular hormone issues and she did an examination. We also talked about diabetes. I have a family history of diabetes and am on Geodon, which increases my risk. She is concerned that my increased weight is a unnecessary additional risk factor. She wants me to see a dietician and lose some weight. I don't know if I want to see a dietician, but I will try to follow her orders about weight loss. One thing she wants me to do is exercise, so every day I'm going to try taking a half hour walk. Furthermore, I'm going to start Project Three Meals again, that's three reasonable meals and a healthy snack. I think I'm going to include the exercise as a part of my third attempt at Project Three Meals. This means no more junk food for me.

-----

Robin (my therapist) and I went through my record. First she read me Sonali's notes (a therapist I saw 2 years ago). I've improved greatly since then. The difference between then and now made me smile, because if I continue to improve at the same rate, I can imagine where I'll be at in another 2 years.

Next we went over Fatima's notes (my therapist before Robin and after Sonali). There was a shock in there. Fatima thought that I may have "factitious disorder", which means she though I might be faking my symptoms. I'm shocked, because she never said anything about those suspicions to me. Robin said she didn't think I was faking my symptoms and told me that she believe Fatima's assessment was caused by her inexperience. But regardless, it threw me for a loop. I've always worried "what if I'm making this all up?", "what if I'm faking it, even to myself?". I've come to the conclusion that I'm not faking it, but I still worry sometimes. It's a natural fear, because so many people don't believe in dissociation. I don't like that fear, and it hit me right in the face when the notes were read to me. I'm happy I have Robin as my therapist now, who seems to understand these things better.

I'm giving up on Project 600. But I'm not giving up on losing weight. I'm going to develop a less restrictive, more attainable plan.

Saw my pdoc today. She suggested if I want to lose weight that I should go on either the South Beach diet or find a vegetarian low-carb diet on the web. I'm not interested in, nor can I afford, a low-carb diet. I am, however, going to give Project Three Meals another go: that's three reasonable meals and a healthy snack. My eating is again out of control. Especially with the junk food. And the pot isn't helping matters. I know I tried Project Three Meals already and failed, but I feel I should try again. At least in trying I'll be controlling my eating somewhat.

I no longer have a scale, however they weighed me several times while I was on Cahill 3. I found out when I got in that I weighed quite a bit less then I thought I did. Body dismorphia. I thought I weight 220-230lbs, but I actually weighted 204. However, by the time I left I had gained 6 pounds. This is mostly due to the fact that there is little to do but sit, sleep, and eat. I paced the halls a bit, but not near as much as I sat, slept, and ate. I still have an ideal weight for myself of 160. I want to go back on the healthy eating plan that I had before I went in. No junk food, and sensible meals. I'm not going to starve myself this time around. I'm going to eat reasonable meals. I want to take this slow. For now I'm going to concentrate just on cutting out junk food. I want to be very careful not to slip back into anorexia or bulimia. I'm almost afraid to seriously diet, fearing that I might get carried away. I should really just learn to be happy with how I look. I've gotten several complements to the effect that I look much better now than when I was a stick. I know I do, because I was way to skinny. 130lbs for my height and build is dangerously thin. So I'm conflicted. The one thing I can get myself to agree on is cutting out junk food, so I'm going to make a serious effort to do just that.