I was just about to take a shower in purpleglitter's apartment, and noticed there had been a minor back-up issue. Mostly dried, and not to bad. Nevertheless, a crust had formed over the drain, essentially sealing it. Not wanting to use anything that might pose a danger to the birds, I decided to use the remainder of the pseudomoonshine I purchased over the summer to clean the tub and unplug the drain. It worked like a charm, however now the house smells like I've just thrown a heavily alcohol-laden party. Ah, well - it will dissipate.

There is a 50/50 chance that my therapist will suggest that I check myself in to the hospital today. What still a possibility, the chance that she'll actually force me to go into the hospital is much less than that. She has shown herself to be very reluctant to commit forced psychiatry, and I really like that. I don't know what I feel about a hospital visit. Many of those around me think I need one, but I don't trust that it'll make me feel better. I think they'll try to give me thorazine and I won't feel better, I'll just feel immobile. And more immobile is definitely not what I need to feel right now.

----

If I don't end up in the asylum today, I'm going to go to work making the branch I found under the trees along the shore of spy pond into my new cane. I need to finish it before my current cane gives out. I hate that I destroyed what purpleglitter so thoughtfully gave me. I feel very very awful about it, I loved that cane - it has even whiskey flask and a now-dead compass! It was stylish and went with my wardrobe perfectly. I can't believe I destroyed it. But, in the words of Plautus, "factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest" – done is done, it cannot be made undone. My new cane will be more sturdy and crafted by myself out of a gift from the winterclad tree færies.

Over the last several days, I've been going out more than I have in quite a while.

Wednesday night, zarthon took purpleglitter and I out to Uno's to celebrate purpleglitter's fabulous new job. zarthon accidentally spilt my entire Second City Whisky Sour on me as soon as it arrived, and I smelt completely like a brewery. I used the foamy handsoap in the Uno's bathroom to wash the aromatic drink off my clothing. The rest of the dinner went wonderfully and their new olde fashion tomatoe soup was quite lovely.

Thursday night, purpleglitter and I went over to iamacliche's and recoiling's apartment for a small holiday gathering. I always love hanging out with them and it is convenient that they live so close. They gave me, among other things, a turtle coprolite and a polished fiber optic piece of ulexite. I went through a phase in the early nineties that I was very into geology and rocks and minerals. I lost my entire rock and mineral collection when I was homeless, and am glad to add some nice new specimens to my very small current collection.

Friday night, I met dicotomygrrl at the Diesel Café. We shared a chocolate mint square and played a game of chess. I still remember dicotomygrrl's speech about chess at my birthday party last year, which was the last big party that has happened at the house_of_clocks. She gave me a rose, which I was hoping to put in some water when I got home, but unfortunately left in the back of Glen's van.

Last night, I went to sophiaserpentia's birthday gathering. Early on in the evening I committed a minor faux pas. I'm not sure if anyone noticed and if they did I don't know if they cared. However, I felt really bad about it. It took me a little bit to get past my embarrassment and guilt to get back into the feeling of the gathering, but once I did I had a swell time. I got to hang out with friends as well as meet a handful of new and interesting people (all on LiveJournal), including galaxygrrl, who has been on my friends list for some time but never have met in real life.

That's a whole lot of social activities in a short number of days for me. I'm used to sitting at home the majority of my evenings. I like getting out and if I can get my neurological problems taken care of and find a way to bring in a small amount of extra cash, I would like to make a regular habit of it.

Today I seem to have been able to get drunk without immediately vomiting for the first time in well over a year. The bulimia had done quite a number on my esophagus, and alcohol upset that damage greatly. But that damage seems to have for the most part healed. I am free to drink again!

The drink for tonight is Dr. McGillicuddy's Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey mixed with cinnamon apple cider. Very very yummy.

i'm about to go out and buy fireball whiskey
i can't really afford to be spending money on things like that
i've been very irresponsible with money of late
and i have very little of it to begin with
my therapist would probably label it as "symptomatic behaviour"
i don't care
i want a nice drink tonight
to hell with rationality
i'm going to get some
i'm going to mix it with dr. pepper
and fuck everything else
except the lentils
i like the lentils

so i'm drunk
for the first time in i don't know how long
i went for a while where i couldn't drink
just a little bit would make me throw up
damage from bulimia
but i'm doing better now
i've stopped purging

i'm drinking cinnamon whiskey and dr. pepper
it's a drink merryperseis made up
since she made it up she has naming rights
if i were naming it i'd probably call it something stupid like dr. cinnamon

i'm still a bit sad about saying goodbye to my therapist
i could tell she really cared about me
she wouldn't have cried at the end of our last session if she didn't
i'm going to miss her
but i still have the work we did together
i'm not losing that just because we've said goodbye
i'm not starting over
i'm a different person now
a better person
it's do in part to her help
but i can keep the new me
and improve further
i'm looking forward to the future
something i haven't done in a long time
i was always planning on ways to kill myself
but right now i don't want to die
i have faith in myself
faith i'm worth caring about
and her crying cemented that faith
it showed me that even if i bare my secrets to a total stranger
i'm still a good person
they end up caring for me
her crying touched me in so many ways
i just wasn't expecting it
i feel better about myself than i have in years
i'm someone worth caring about

My tummy doesn't like this Jeremiah Weed stuff anymore. And it's already told me that it no longer likes cheap wine or cheap vodka. I guess I'm just getting older. My stomach just can't handle what it used to. I think I'm going to switch to Fireball Whiskey. It's more expensive, but I don't drink that much so I think I can handle the extra expense when I do drink. Maybe I should just smoke more pot. However, drinking occasionally is fun, too. Pot, however, does have a mind expanding aspect that alcohol lacks. I think I will try to continue to smoke more pot than I drink. And when I drink I will drink Fireball Whiskey.

life is this
this is life
where will i go?
what am i doing here?
right now i'm sitting at a keyboard.
having listened to the preachings of rev. jeremiah weed
jeremiah weed is a pleasant fellow
he ministers in a slurred voice
his company is fine
he makes me drunk
incoming message...
...
...
comment
...
...
don't worry
i'm not going to do the three dots thing again
....
see four
.....
and five
...
shut up
anyway.
sometimes
things are different
different inside
things freeze up
it's hot in here
but it's cold too.
they might seem opposite
but can exist together.
i'm thinking of jalapeño ice cream
interesting idea
hot and cold
i wonder if it would take off
popcorn flavored jelly beans did
----
dashes
see
not dots
the world is spinning a little
but that's just old rev. weed
asking me
what's up
i don't know where i am
i don't really care
i'm somewhere
that's all that matters for the moment
it's hot in here
i open the window.
it will be cold soon
winter is coming
one of the floaters doesn't like winter
finds it triggery
i wonder what happened in the winter
i wonder why the winter is so cold
the beast comes out in the cold
the beast is protective
the beast sees the cold as something to protect against
winters long march
through my bones
----
four even
and only once
so there
-----
symmetry is overrated
i overrate it
i look at it as important
feel rebellious if i part my hair asymmetrically
fuck symmetry
-----
i hear the leaves
falling to the ground
winter is coming
coming fast
we need oil
do we have money for oil?
no.
but we need it
or we will freeze
i can keep the house heated with the gas stove and oven
but people need to cooperate
i have to stay up all night to make sure the pipes don't freeze some nights
winter is always about tending the fires
making sure everything stays warm
against the bitter cold
and here it comes
winter

Jeremiah Weed is my new drink of choice, at least when I'm buying. It's cheap and strong and doesn't make me ill like the cheap vodka and wines tend to. Bottled in Stamford, Connecticut, it weighs in at 100 proof. It tastes good straight up and complements cheap cigars very well.

Got a little too drunk last night. Spun and vomited. At least I successfully made it to the bathroom. That Jeremiah Weed is strong stuff, weighing in at 100 proof. I like being drunk, but not as drunk as I was last night. I am thinking I might switch to wine, which is easier to keep a good limit on.

Don't feel better, just wobblier.

Dr. McGillicuddy's Imported Fireball Cinnamon Flavored Whisky

Met riga_mortia at the Diesel Café at 5:00pm yesterday. We walked to Claridon Hill, and went to the liquor store next to Johnny's Foodmaster. We picked up a couple whiskey nips. Drank them. They were really strong.

I hugged many soft trees on the way to riga_mortia's apartment. The moss on the trees was as soft as cat fur. I had to pet each tree.

At riga_mortia's house, we played Pass the Pigs for stakes. I owe riga_mortia a chocolate dish and she gets to dress me next time I go to the Diesel Café with her.

-----

This morning, I talked to my new caseworker from the Social Security Office on the phone. She was very nice and very helpful. She walked me through the financial maze and told me the best ways to put everything. She's sending me some papers to sign and return and then I'm done.

-----

This afternoon, merryperseis, grrldan, and I went to the Great Meadow. For our picnic lunch we had muffaletta on mini toasts, salsa biscuits, juicy watermelon, sparkling pink lemonade, and iced tea.

After lunch we played Tonk. While we were playing, it started raining. We all got completely soaked.

We walked back in the storm, I splashed in a couple puddles. I really enjoyed being out in the storm with friends.

As grrldan lives closer to the Great Meadow than I, we went back to his place. He loaned me a some very soft flannel pajamas to wear while he threw my soaked clothes in the washer and dryer. I really really want a nice pair of flannel pajamas to wear around the house. I am incredibly covetous of his.

While my clothes were drying, we watched The Muppet Movie. I hadn't watched it in many years and had forgotten how simply fabulous it was.

We went back to my apartment, where I made curried biscuits. purpleglitter came home and joined us for good conversations and a fun game of Bullshit.

purpleglitter and I plan to drink together tonight. We're going to drink Puddle Splashes.