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| Three Days | ||
Three days with no caffeine. I've managed to stay relatively wakeful today, even with the oppressive heat. I see that I felt like I need caffeine a lot more than I actually needed caffeine. I don't think I've gone this long without caffeine since high school. Even in the madhouse they'd let us have real coffee in the morning. I doubted if I could do it, but the only real hurdle was that doubt. Yeah, I've had a bit of a headache the last few days, but I've gone through Geodon withdrawal - compared to that, this is a piece of cake. | ||
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| Mindful of That Place | ||
There was a point in my life where I would have taken any drug put in front of me. I didn't care how I felt as long as it was different. And I did lots of drugs, from street to psych and in between I would smoke pot all day every day I could, drink way too much, take crystal and heroin and cocaine, pop klonopin and seroquel and zyprexa and whatever other nasty thing the psych people gave me. The only reason i never became addicted to heroin or cocaine was that I was never able to attain a steady supply and it is only by the grace of God that I am not an alcoholic. Going through geodon withdrawals was enough to make me very thankful I didn't go through that with anything else. I am glad I moved on from that place, I know many who didn't. Many who couldn't. Many who never will. When I fall into these troughs like I've been in the last several days, I must keep mindful of how far I've come. Where I was and where I am. I got through that, I can get through this. | ||
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| The Sedative Trap | ||
I had a terrible time getting off antipsychotics, the withdrawals were so nasty it would have been helpful to be in a rehab clinic for them except rehab clinics don't take patients addicted to antipsychotics. Sedatives like Ativan or Klonopin can very tempting when experiencing antipsychotic withdrawals, and patients prescribed antipsychotics are often prescribed sedatives as well. However, I found that more often than not sedatives led to a state where I was so tired I was barely able to move but still could not sleep because of the withdrawals. This state was much worse than going through the withdrawals without the sedatives. I've seen far too many people fall into this sedative trap while withdrawing from antipsychotics and what often ends up happening is they take more and more sedatives until they actually do fall asleep. But by that time they've taken a lot more sedatives than they should have and someone ends up finding them and calling an ambulance. In the emergency room labeled an "attempted suicide", given charcoal, and sent off to a psych hospital where they are readministered antipsychotics. While they attempt to explain to the staff that suicide was not the motivation in taking the sedatives, their explanations are inevitably dismissed. Sometimes they are actually manipulated into thinking they must have meant to kill themselves even though they don't remember wanting to. My particular battle was with Geodon, but this scenario can play out with users of virtually any antipsychotic drugs including Abilify, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel. Breaking antipsychotic addiction is not easy, but being armed with knowledge can help tremendously. | ||
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| Addicted | ||
I need to quit this breathing habit, but the withdrawals are rough. | ||
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| Thoughts on Heroin | ||
I did heroin twice about 6 years ago. I snorted it both times. It was good. It was too good. Bliss. I wanted more. I still think about how it felt. I've never felt a good that good. It see it why it is easy to get hooked. Scary easy. Getting hooked is not fun. Even though I did not go down that road myself, I know that after a very short time of use the good feeling of doing it shifts to a bad feeling of not doing it. The body compensates by changing the balance of receptors on the neurons. This new equilibrium is upset when the heroin is missing causing extremely not pleasant sensations. Life quickly starts to revolve around heroin and the insatiableness hunger destroys everything around it. I've seen friends fall deep into that dark hole within a matter of a week or two. Heroin also has a cross-tolerance with other opiates and when a heroin addict actually needs pain killers because of illness or injury, and being a heroin addict increases the likelihood of both, those pain killers will be significantly less effective, if effective at all. For example, when a junky acquaintance of mine was stabbed a few years ago, the morphine he was given in the hospital did absolutely nothing for him. Absolutely nothing. I am at once tempted and terrified by heroin. I am terrified that I am tempted. The taste of the bait will always be in my head. | ||
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| Voice Post: Complaints, Neurology, Fears and Hope | |||
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| It's Raining Meds | ||
My psychiatrist told me geodon didn't cause weight gain. However according to Pfizer's own prescribing information, it does. When she prescribed me 240mg a day of geodon, I questioned the high dose. She told me that it was a pretty standard dose now. But, again, Pfizer's prescribing information states "The safety of doses above 100mg BID [twice a day] has not been systematically evaluated in clinical trials.". Furthermore, when I complained about withdrawals from geodon when I'd miss a dose, she told me Geodon has no withdrawals. She told me that's how I am normally without Geodon. However from my own experience and the experiences of many many others I have now read about online, I know that is complete bullshit. Geodon has severe withdrawals. Here are enough horror stories to make your head spin. And that's only on small message board people are talking in. If I hadn't bought what my psychiatrist was saying, I would have been off of it a long time before I finally quit. I was truly afraid that the withdrawals were just my normal state of being. Furthermore, she insisted that I was wrong about 60mg of Celexa being a "high dose", she insisted that it was a small dose. Low and behold the prescribing information for Celexa not only lists the maximum dose as 60mg, but goes on to state "Although certain patients may require a dose of 60mg/day, the only study pertinent to dose response for effectiveness did not demonstrate an advantage for the 60mg/day dose over the 40mg/day dose; doses above 40mg are therefore not ordinarily recommended". Either my psychiatrist is a liar or an idiot. Either way I have no inclination to see her again. She can shove her meds up her ass. | ||
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| I think I can do this | ||
I think I can do this I think I can make it once i get through the withdrawals, i can see where i really am then i can make a decision whether i want to take any geodon and if so, how much but even if it is unpleasant if i could be able to cope wouldn't it be better being who i really am instead of a geodon zombie if it is too unbearable being who i am, i guess i can go back to geodon and pretend that i don't exist i don't want to do that, but i guess i might have to scary but i'm going to try not to i'm going to try to exist | ||
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| hot bible chips | ||
i ate some hot bible chips, and i feel better. in a little bit i'm going to try eating real food. see how much better that makes me feel. hopefully things will start to improve. | ||
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| Go Away | ||
what if this doesn't go away what if this is just how i am without geodon i'm scared and tempted to take it but i must find out | ||
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| Ugh | ||
i didn't sleep well last night kept waking up from horrible dreams now i'm twitchy shaky it's hard to think it's hard to type maybe i have gotten worse maybe this is how i am without geodon maybe this isn't withdrawals maybe i'm really this bad i feel panic and movement is limited i'm tempted to take my geodon now but i still want to wait and see | ||
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| energy | ||
i feel pulses of energy flowing through me not bad but annoying as i'm trying to sleep | ||
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| Still Going And Going | ||
not quite over still very twitchy and having scary panic effects too i was lying in bed i couldn't move i was scared they were going to come get me i don't know who just that there was something evil in the room and i couldn't move didn't like that feeling | ||
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| Still Going | ||
i'm sure it is only the pot making me feel better right now but it really is i still feel a bit shaky but not like i did pot can get me through this | ||
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| Not Happy | ||
they gave me an addictive drug told me that it's not addictive told me that the withdrawals were how i normally would feel without the drug convinced me of this i've tried to quit this damn drug for some time but the withdrawals are so bad i end up taking it again but this time i'm through with it and i'm pissed the fuck off | ||
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| Much Better | ||
Feeling much better. Pot really helps with the no-geodon effects which themselves have gotten less maybe the worst is over maybe that was it maybe i'm going to wake up tomorrow morning knowing how wrong i am now but it could be i may be free we'll see | ||
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| It Will End | ||
i just keep telling myself this is only withdrawals it will be over in a few days maybe a week then i can go about my business and think again | ||
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| No Geodon | ||
i've decided to go off my geodon i think the way i feel when i go off my geodon is just withdrawals i think i can do it this feeling will go away it's just temporary i don't like it i'm tempted to say "fuck it" and take my geodon it's really hard not to i'm addicted i must not take it i don't want to take it anymore there are scary potential side effects and it makes me foggy i don't like it i don't want it anymore | ||
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| Maybe Another Time | ||
acid will just have to wait for another time i can't stand this anymore what makes me think acid will do anything but tear my brain apart i mean i can barely hold it together without it i'm going to give this more thought more thought in a stable state i'm not saying i'm not going to do it just not today i'm going to take my geodon now and try to think rationally if this is even a good idea | ||
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| Not Giving In | ||
i'm very tempted to take geodon call the whole thing off i'm not even sure i'll have acid for tonight so this might be for nothing anyway i know just two pills out of that bottle and i'll feel all better the shaking will go away my head will stop screaming it's really crazy what i'm doing to myself but i won't give up it's very hard to type, so i'm not going to type anymore | ||
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