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Three Days

Date and Time  - Jul. 12th, 2007, 12:53 am

Current Mood  - sleepy sleepy
Current Music  - fan

Three days with no caffeine. I've managed to stay relatively wakeful today, even with the oppressive heat. I see that I felt like I need caffeine a lot more than I actually needed caffeine. I don't think I've gone this long without caffeine since high school. Even in the madhouse they'd let us have real coffee in the morning. I doubted if I could do it, but the only real hurdle was that doubt. Yeah, I've had a bit of a headache the last few days, but I've gone through Geodon withdrawal - compared to that, this is a piece of cake.

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Mindful of That Place

Date and Time  - Sep. 23rd, 2006, 10:41 am

Current Mood  - awake awake
Current Music  - budgies gurgling

There was a point in my life where I would have taken any drug put in front of me. I didn't care how I felt as long as it was different. And I did lots of drugs, from street to psych and in between

I would smoke pot all day every day I could, drink way too much, take crystal and heroin and cocaine, pop klonopin and seroquel and zyprexa and whatever other nasty thing the psych people gave me. The only reason i never became addicted to heroin or cocaine was that I was never able to attain a steady supply and it is only by the grace of God that I am not an alcoholic. Going through geodon withdrawals was enough to make me very thankful I didn't go through that with anything else.

I am glad I moved on from that place, I know many who didn't. Many who couldn't. Many who never will.

When I fall into these troughs like I've been in the last several days, I must keep mindful of how far I've come. Where I was and where I am. I got through that, I can get through this.

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The Sedative Trap

Date and Time  - May. 19th, 2006, 05:17 pm

Current Mood  - blank blank
Current Music  - fan

I had a terrible time getting off antipsychotics, the withdrawals were so nasty it would have been helpful to be in a rehab clinic for them except rehab clinics don't take patients addicted to antipsychotics.

Sedatives like Ativan or Klonopin can very tempting when experiencing antipsychotic withdrawals, and patients prescribed antipsychotics are often prescribed sedatives as well. However, I found that more often than not sedatives led to a state where I was so tired I was barely able to move but still could not sleep because of the withdrawals. This state was much worse than going through the withdrawals without the sedatives.

I've seen far too many people fall into this sedative trap while withdrawing from antipsychotics and what often ends up happening is they take more and more sedatives until they actually do fall asleep. But by that time they've taken a lot more sedatives than they should have and someone ends up finding them and calling an ambulance. In the emergency room labeled an "attempted suicide", given charcoal, and sent off to a psych hospital where they are readministered antipsychotics. While they attempt to explain to the staff that suicide was not the motivation in taking the sedatives, their explanations are inevitably dismissed. Sometimes they are actually manipulated into thinking they must have meant to kill themselves even though they don't remember wanting to.

My particular battle was with Geodon, but this scenario can play out with users of virtually any antipsychotic drugs including Abilify, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel. Breaking antipsychotic addiction is not easy, but being armed with knowledge can help tremendously.

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Addicted

Date and Time  - Jan. 5th, 2006, 12:53 pm

Current Mood  - exanimate exanimate
Current Music  - traffic

I need to quit this breathing habit, but the withdrawals are rough.

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Thoughts on Heroin

Date and Time  - Nov. 24th, 2005, 01:45 am

Current Mood  - high high
Current Music  - silence

I did heroin twice about 6 years ago. I snorted it both times. It was good. It was too good. Bliss. I wanted more. I still think about how it felt. I've never felt a good that good. It see it why it is easy to get hooked. Scary easy.

Getting hooked is not fun. Even though I did not go down that road myself, I know that after a very short time of use the good feeling of doing it shifts to a bad feeling of not doing it. The body compensates by changing the balance of receptors on the neurons. This new equilibrium is upset when the heroin is missing causing extremely not pleasant sensations. Life quickly starts to revolve around heroin and the insatiableness hunger destroys everything around it. I've seen friends fall deep into that dark hole within a matter of a week or two.

Heroin also has a cross-tolerance with other opiates and when a heroin addict actually needs pain killers because of illness or injury, and being a heroin addict increases the likelihood of both, those pain killers will be significantly less effective, if effective at all. For example, when a junky acquaintance of mine was stabbed a few years ago, the morphine he was given in the hospital did absolutely nothing for him. Absolutely nothing.

I am at once tempted and terrified by heroin. I am terrified that I am tempted. The taste of the bait will always be in my head.

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Voice Post: Complaints, Neurology, Fears and Hope

Date and Time  - Nov. 1st, 2005, 07:36 pm


VoicePost Help
2167K 10:37
“*sigh* A lot's gone on today, and I shouldn't be making another post today, 'cause I need to ration. So, I probably won't make another phone post until at least Thursday evening, if not Friday.
So. Here's what's been going on.
Well, I found out that the complaint forms are utterly useless, and the quote-unquote "civil rights patients' advocate" person is also bullshit. I quizzed the patients advocate (we had a meeting about patients' rights), and the patients' advocate was very very much giving the pro-hospital line to everyone. And I already became suspicious and I was questioning things and talking about meds and what people should consider, and talking about tardive dyskinesia to people, and she was very upset, saying, you know, like, "You should leave that kind of thing up to a doctor, to tell them" and I was like "But the doctors don't tell them about that kind of side effect", and that "you may get NMF and die", even thought it's a rare side effect, I think people should be informed BEFORE they are forced to take these drugs, that there's so many nasty side effects, like diabetes, and withdrawals from things like Paxil, that are almost as bad as withdrawing from heroin. It's insane, the stuff they don't inform patients. So, I talk to patients about it, and apparently, I'm not supposed to do that.

Well, anyway, me and {name}, the patient advocate, had a little talk, and I found out that... yeah, she keeps telling everybody she's licensed through DMH, so she's impartial. But she's NOT impartial. Yeah, she's got a license through the DMH, but she reports to the hospital. She WORKS for the hospital. Her PAYCHECK comes from the hospital. She meets with the staff, before meeting with us, to get on the same page. She's a member of the staff. She pretends like she's our advocate, but she's not. She's just to here to try to give us someone to grieve to, that it won't really go anywhere.

And furthermore, they have the complaint forms. The other night, I was explained to, that we should fill out the complaint forms, and that something will happen when we fill them out. Well, the fact of the matter is that the complaint forms... if you fill out a complaint form, it gets sent to the nurse manager, Miriam. And, she has fourteen days to either... to process the complaint and figure out what to do about it. Now, especially since she's PART of the complaints, often, this really doesn't work out too well. After fourteen days, she gives her verdict, and you get the complaint form back.

Now, you ARE allowed to appeal this, though. However, the appeal goes to... guess who?! The nurse manager, again! Miriam! The same person the complaint went to in the first place. So, this isn't really an appeal, this is just sending it back to the same person. She has another fourteen days, to make another decision, to decide if her first decision was wrong, and that she actually did something wrong, and then she gives it back to you.
After that, you are allowed another appeal. Now, the other appeal is given to Karen Cook, the "patient advocate", quote-unquote, who works for Cambridge Hospital, and is invested in the Cambridge Hospital system, and SHE decides whether to send it on to DMH. If she doesn't, that's the end of the line. And, at this point, it's been two months anyways, because she's got thirty days to do that.

So, the complaint forms, they give you, that they tell you, "Oh, don't tell us what we're doing is wrong, you must fill out the complaint forms." That's not true. They don't do anything. It's utterly pointless. It's to try to make you think that you're able to complain about what's going on, but you're not.

OK. Well, that's the part that I'm angry about. And I've been informing patients, and they don't like it, about the various side effects of their meds, and several doctors have told me to stop it, and I'll tell them, "Show me where I'm wrong." And they can't, because I'm right. They just don't want the patients to know it.

[Partial transcription ends here. This post continues in the comments.]”

Transcribed by: multiple users


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It's Raining Meds

Date and Time  - Mar. 12th, 2005, 08:08 am

Current Mood  - pissed off pissed off
Current Music  - silence

My psychiatrist told me geodon didn't cause weight gain. However according to Pfizer's own prescribing information, it does. When she prescribed me 240mg a day of geodon, I questioned the high dose. She told me that it was a pretty standard dose now. But, again, Pfizer's prescribing information states "The safety of doses above 100mg BID [twice a day] has not been systematically evaluated in clinical trials.". Furthermore, when I complained about withdrawals from geodon when I'd miss a dose, she told me Geodon has no withdrawals. She told me that's how I am normally without Geodon. However from my own experience and the experiences of many many others I have now read about online, I know that is complete bullshit. Geodon has severe withdrawals. Here are enough horror stories to make your head spin. And that's only on small message board people are talking in. If I hadn't bought what my psychiatrist was saying, I would have been off of it a long time before I finally quit. I was truly afraid that the withdrawals were just my normal state of being. Furthermore, she insisted that I was wrong about 60mg of Celexa being a "high dose", she insisted that it was a small dose. Low and behold the prescribing information for Celexa not only lists the maximum dose as 60mg, but goes on to state "Although certain patients may require a dose of 60mg/day, the only study pertinent to dose response for effectiveness did not demonstrate an advantage for the 60mg/day dose over the 40mg/day dose; doses above 40mg are therefore not ordinarily recommended". Either my psychiatrist is a liar or an idiot. Either way I have no inclination to see her again. She can shove her meds up her ass.

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I think I can do this

Date and Time  - Feb. 1st, 2005, 09:56 pm

Current Mood  - high high
Current Music  - silence

I think I can do this
I think I can make it
once i get through the withdrawals, i can see where i really am
then i can make a decision whether i want to take any geodon
and if so, how much
but even if it is unpleasant
if i could be able to cope
wouldn't it be better being who i really am
instead of a geodon zombie
if it is too unbearable being who i am, i guess i can go back to geodon and pretend that i don't exist
i don't want to do that, but i guess i might have to
scary
but i'm going to try not to
i'm going to try to exist

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hot bible chips

Date and Time  - Feb. 1st, 2005, 03:31 pm

Current Mood  - blank blank
Current Music  - mr. and mrs. squeaky chirping

i ate some hot bible chips, and i feel better. in a little bit i'm going to try eating real food. see how much better that makes me feel. hopefully things will start to improve.

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Go Away

Date and Time  - Feb. 1st, 2005, 01:00 pm

Current Mood  - distressed distressed
Current Music  - traffic

what if this doesn't go away
what if this is just how i am without geodon
i'm scared and tempted to take it
but i must find out

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Ugh

Date and Time  - Feb. 1st, 2005, 10:44 am

Current Mood  - distressed distressed
Current Music  - traffic

i didn't sleep well last night
kept waking up from horrible dreams
now i'm twitchy
shaky
it's hard to think
it's hard to type
maybe i have gotten worse
maybe this is how i am without geodon
maybe this isn't withdrawals
maybe i'm really this bad
i feel panic and movement is limited
i'm tempted to take my geodon now
but i still want to wait and see

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energy

Date and Time  - Feb. 1st, 2005, 12:21 am

Current Mood  - sleepy sleepy
Current Music  - traffic

i feel pulses of energy flowing through me
not bad
but annoying as i'm trying to sleep

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Still Going And Going

Date and Time  - Jan. 31st, 2005, 11:58 pm

Current Mood  - distressed distressed
Current Music  - silence

not quite over
still very twitchy
and having scary panic effects too
i was lying in bed
i couldn't move
i was scared they were going to come get me
i don't know who
just that there was something evil in the room
and i couldn't move
didn't like that feeling

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Still Going

Date and Time  - Jan. 31st, 2005, 10:54 pm

Current Mood  - high high
Current Music  - traffic

i'm sure it is only the pot making me feel better right now
but it really is
i still feel a bit shaky
but not like i did
pot can get me through this

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Not Happy

Date and Time  - Jan. 31st, 2005, 10:27 pm

Current Mood  - high high
Current Music  - traffic

they gave me an addictive drug
told me that it's not addictive
told me that the withdrawals were how i normally would feel without the drug
convinced me of this
i've tried to quit this damn drug for some time
but the withdrawals are so bad i end up taking it again
but this time i'm through with it
and i'm pissed the fuck off

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Much Better

Date and Time  - Jan. 31st, 2005, 10:22 pm

Current Mood  - high high
Current Music  - traffic

Feeling much better.
Pot really helps with the no-geodon effects
which themselves have gotten less
maybe the worst is over
maybe that was it
maybe i'm going to wake up tomorrow morning knowing how wrong i am now
but it could be
i may be free
we'll see

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It Will End

Date and Time  - Jan. 31st, 2005, 09:50 pm

Current Mood  - distressed distressed
Current Music  - traffic

i just keep telling myself this is only withdrawals
it will be over in a few days
maybe a week
then i can go about my business and think again

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No Geodon

Date and Time  - Jan. 31st, 2005, 06:53 pm

Current Mood  - distressed distressed
Current Music  - traffic

i've decided to go off my geodon
i think the way i feel when i go off my geodon is just withdrawals
i think i can do it
this feeling will go away
it's just temporary
i don't like it
i'm tempted to say "fuck it" and take my geodon
it's really hard not to
i'm addicted
i must not take it
i don't want to take it anymore
there are scary potential side effects
and it makes me foggy
i don't like it
i don't want it anymore

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Maybe Another Time

Date and Time  - Jan. 26th, 2005, 11:36 am

Current Mood  - distressed distressed
Current Music  - traffic

acid will just have to wait for another time
i can't stand this anymore
what makes me think acid will do anything but tear my brain apart
i mean i can barely hold it together without it
i'm going to give this more thought
more thought in a stable state
i'm not saying i'm not going to do it
just not today
i'm going to take my geodon now
and try to think rationally if this is even a good idea

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Not Giving In

Date and Time  - Jan. 26th, 2005, 11:09 am

Current Mood  - distressed distressed
Current Music  - silence

i'm very tempted to take geodon
call the whole thing off
i'm not even sure i'll have acid for tonight
so this might be for nothing anyway
i know just two pills out of that bottle and i'll feel all better
the shaking will go away
my head will stop screaming
it's really crazy what i'm doing to myself
but i won't give up
it's very hard to type, so i'm not going to type anymore

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